Dates

Joe Dworetzky, 11/11/2018

Man and a woman sitting in a booth in a diner in the Mission facing each other. Coffee cups on the table. A few plates.
Man: “You get enough to eat?”
Woman: “Oh yes, thank you so much. Delicious.”
Man: [pause] “Listen. Can I ask you a serious question?”
Woman: “Sure, what’s up?”
Man: “But I am really serious. I’m not fooling around.”
Woman [tentative, questioning] “Ok?”
Man: “When my mom died I got a tattoo of her picture on my left shoulder.”
Woman: “Really?”
Man: “Yeah, the picture looks awesome and right below it I have her dates.”
Woman: “Dates? What does that mean?”
Man: “Her dates. You know, the day she was born and the day she died.”
Woman: “Oh. I hadn’t heard it called that before.”
Man: “Yeah, those are her dates. Right below the picture.”
Woman: “Oh.”
Man: [pulling his shirt sleeve up high] “Sort of hard to show, but you can see part… See?”
Woman: “Oh yeah. Wow! That really is a picture. It’s almost like a photograph. How’d you get that?
Man: “I found a really good tattoo artist.”
Woman: “I’ll say; that’s nice work. So what’s the problem?”
Man: “You see, I got the tattoo to honor my Mom after she died. The thing that gets me is if my mother had seen her tattoo she’d have known how much I loved her cause I wanted to have her on my shoulder forever.”
Woman: “Yeah that’s really nice. You are a good son, John.”
Man: “But that’s not the point. She never saw it because I didn’t get it until she was already dead. I mean, I just didn’t think of it, you know…. I am not so good on planning that sort of stuff.”
Woman: “Don’t beat yourself up. I am sure she understands.”
Man: “I don’t know. I hope so.”
Woman: “Yeah I am sure.… Should we get the check?”
Man: “Wait! I didn’t tell you the problem.”
Woman: “Sorry. I thought that was it.” [laughing, lowering her voice, confiding], “Actually, I was thinking it was kind of a strange problem; like not much you could do about it at this point. Haha. Whew. Now what’s the real problem?”
Man: “I want to get one for my father.”
Woman: “A tattoo?”
Man: “Yeah.”
Woman: “Where are you going to put it?”
Man: “I want to do it on my other shoulder.”
Woman: “Well that seems fine John. What’s the problem?”
Man: “Like what I was saying before; I want him to see his tattoo. So he knows how I feel.”
Woman: “He is still alive?”
Man: “Uh-huh.”
Woman: “But it’s a memorial, isn’t it? For after he is gone? Isn’t that the point?”
Man: “Yes. But what if I get it now?”
Woman: “Now now? While he is alive?”
Man: “That’s the issue. Do I do it?”
Woman: “Is he… having health issues?”
Man: “Knock wood. He keeps on chugging.”
Woman: [temporizing] “Yeah…, yeah…, yeah. But what about the dates? How would you handle the dates?”
Man: “Bingo. I knew you would understand. That’s the hold up. I would get the tattoo with the day of his birth but I would have to leave the date that he dies blank. I mean I could put in two and zero but I would have to leave a blank for the actual year of death. I’d just have to get it tattoo’d in later. Do you think that’d look weird?”
Man: [continues without waiting her response] “I could just wait until he dies but then he would never see it and he would never know how I felt. I so regret that my mom never did. I feel like I should do it – I mean, I decided I would do it, but then I ran into the dates thing and that has got me confused.”
Woman: “Hmm. Do you think he might be a little unsettled, you know the whole getting ready for his death thing?”
Man: “Yeah. No. I don’t know. I mean I’m concerned about it, that’s why I am asking you. I thought maybe you could help, you know, think it through. I bet you’re good at that. What do you think?”
Woman: “Well thank you John. I am flattered that you asked. But I don’t know your father. I mean I hardly know you. So it’s hard to say.”
Man: “But just in general. What do you think?”
Woman: “I feel that I’m, ah, not sure that I really… but you sure you want my opinion?”
Man: “That’s why I asked.”
Woman: [deep breath] “Frankly, I think it might be a bit… creepy to him.”
Man: “Creepy?”
Woman: “Yeah, I mean it’s nice John, so nice, but maybe just a little creepy. He’s not dead yet. That’s a fact. If you do a memorial for him with his death date half in, maybe it’s like you can’t wait for him to pass…. [brightly] But who cares what I think? How do you think he will feel? You know him. I don’t know him at all. What’s he like?”
Man: “He can be kind of difficult, but he is cool.… Maybe you are right. But then what if I don’t do it now and he all of a sudden drops dead and never gets to see it. He’ll never know.”
Woman; “Yeah, there’s that.”
Man: “I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.”
Woman: “Yeah, it’s always better to make two different mistakes…Haha… Sorry. That was just a joke. Can’t restrain myself. Sorry.”
Man: [pausing, then going on] “I regretted it with her; it would be awful to do it again. I mean every day I am taking a risk. He could get hit by a truck, you know.”
Woman: “Maybe you should ask him how he would feel about it.”
Man: “I can’t; that would ruin the surprise.”
Woman: “You were planning to surprise him? Really?”

Man: “Yeah, I think he would get more out of it that way.”
Woman: “Wow. How are you going to do that?”
Man: “I haven’t really worked it out. I was just thinking, you know, I would invite him over for dinner and maybe after dinner when we were sitting around and having a beer I would just take off my shirt and see if he noticed.”
Woman: “Oh boy. Now we’re talking creepy.”
Man: “Come on, that’s not creepy. And it’ll give him a chance to see how it looks.”
Woman: “What for? What are you going to do if he doesn’t like it? Get it removed?”
Man: “He’s gonna like it. It’s his own picture, for Christ sake.”
Woman: “Does he like the one of your mother?”
Man: “I don’t know.”
Woman: “Has he seen it?”
Man: “Oh yeah, I’m sure he has. I don’t remember specifically, but I think he has. Yeah. He has got to have.”
Woman: “Maybe you should show him your mother’s tattoo before you go ahead and get his done. That will at least give you an idea of whether he is likely to like it, you know, just in general.”
Man: “I don’t know. He might just react to her, not the tattoo.”
Woman: “What does that mean?”
Man: “He doesn’t – didn’t – like her much. They got divorced and such.”
Woman: “Oh wow. That puts a whole new spin on it.” [pantomiming the big voice of a game show host] “Are you ready to solve the puzzle?” [regular voice]. ‘HaHa.”
Man: “Why did you say that?”
Woman: “Just a funny. How long ago did they get divorced?
Man: “I don’t get it.”
Man: [continuing] “They got divorced a long time ago. Ten twelve years. Something like that. She got into a thing with a guy from her office and he couldn’t abide that.”
Woman: “So they split up?”
Man: He kicked her out. I mostly lived with her as a kid but I got to be pretty good friends with him after she died that’s when I heard the whole story. You see that’s why. I want to honor my father just as much as her. Give him equal respect.”
Woman: “Did he get remarried?”
Man: “Naw.”
Woman: “How about your mother?”
Man: “Yeah, she married Brad.”
Woman: “Is he still alive?”
Man: “Yeah.”
Woman: “Haha. You thinking of getting his tattoo too?”
Man: “Brad? Seriously? He’s a little twerp.”
Woman: “So it sounds like showing your father your mother’s tattoo isn’t that great an idea.”
Man: “Yeah.”
Woman: [pause, new tack] “Have you picked out a picture for his tattoo?”
Man: “Yeah! I got a great one at home. It’s from when he was in the Service. He’s carrying a rifle and wearing his uniform. Kick ass.”
Woman: [another pause] “Look John, this is just me, but you asked my opinion. [leaning in] I think you should definitely talk to him about it in advance. A tattoo is forever.”
Man: “I know what you are saying, but what if he says no?”
Woman: “Then you know and you don’t do it, right?”
Man: “But I want to do it. I want the balance.”
Woman: “Huh?”
Man: “It’s awkward this way. You know, like one of my arms is heavier than the other.”
Woman: “Really? I doubt that could be the case.”
Man: “I know. I know. It’s the weirdest thing, but I’ve been feeling that everything is out of sync. I don’t think it will be right until I get his done.”
Woman: “Even without all the dates?”
Man: “Yeah, I don’t think they’re that heavy.”
Woman: [big voice] “Seem pretty heavy to me. Haha. Just kidding.”
Man: “Do you always do that? … Look, I know it won’t be perfect but it’ll balance much better.”
Woman: “What if . . . no.”
Man: “What were you going to say?”
Woman: “No… it’s not appropriate”
Man: “Go ahead.”
Woman: “I was thinking you could use erasable ink.”
Man: “Are you kidding? Erasable ink? That isn’t a good idea at all.”
Woman: “Just so you could handle the dates thing.”
Man: “No. It’s a really bad idea. You’re completely missing the point.”
Woman: “I was just trying…”
Man: “Completely missing the point.” [long pause, shaking head.] “Just completely missed the point. I can’t believe it. I was thinking you would have really good advice.”
Woman: “Well you asked what I thought. Anyway, do you really want both of them on your body? They got divorced. You wouldn’t bury them in the same gravesite, would you? People don’t that, do they?”
Man: “It isn’t the same.”
Woman: “Isn’t it? Like you are putting their pictures are on the same canvas.”
Man: “I am not a canvas.”
Woman: “You got their pictures painted on you. How is that different? I am just asking if it’s a good idea to put divorced people on the same body. I mean what will they think? Do you think your father really wants to be with his ex?”
Man: “You are making this too complicated.”
Woman: “Sorry. Sometimes I do that.”
Man: “Yeah. I can tell.”
Woman: “But didn’t you say that she had an affair with that Brad guy.”
Man: “Did I say that? But yeah. That’s why they got divorced. My Dad put his foot down. He couldn’t abide it.”
Woman: “Well, if it were me… I am just saying.”
Man: “I think I will get the check.”
Woman: “Suppose it were you? Would you want to be forever on your kid’s shoulder with your cheating ex just around the corner? Wouldn’t that kind of freak you out?”
Woman: [continuing, the Big Game Show Announcer Voice]: “Particularly with only half of your dates.”
Woman: [continuing] “Sorry. You asked my opinion. Always figure it’s better to put it out there; that way you know.”
Man: “I can tell.”
Woman: “That’s the thing, right? You gotta be yourself. No sense wasting each other’s time, right?”
Man: “Yeah. I guess.”
Woman: “No point to holding back.”
Man: “I thought you’d be more understanding. That’s why I swiped right. I thought you’d get it. I really did. I just thought you’d understand.”

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